just be alone

to quote Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels: "It's been emotional."
to clarify the quote i put up the other day (which was in regards to the Aimee Mann album THE FORGOTTEN ARM)- I think that statement is a bit too sweeping. i would edit it to say that maybe we as human beings (and of course i mean ME- who else would i ever talk about?) are too screwed up to *keep* a meaningful connection. this has been a year full of missed, broken & almost made but not quite connections during which the only one i feel i've made successfully has been with a city. i want to get back to the place i was in last year, the year before that- basically the place i've been at since the last time i got retarded over a guy and broke my own heart- the place where i was alone and okay with being alone. and two weeks from tomorrow, when i'm blowing out those birthday candles and making a wish, that's what i'll be wishing for- peace of mind. because i'll be okay with being alone. i'll be okay here once i feel like i can afford it. i'll have the walks down 18th street every day, the music that i love- which has always been my biggest source of happiness. in the spring, i'll have my lunches in Union Square park again. i'll have my flatmates. when all the hurt and confusion, embarrassment and newfound anger are gone i will have all of these things. and maybe that's all that a person like me really needs.
...except maybe for this guy:


*i tried again
i went last night
another date
was just not right
and as i drove
myself back home
a little voice said
"just be alone"
but sometimes i think
i see you in a crowd
it's not picture perfect
you're just meant for me somehow
and i'll miss you
till i meet you* -Dar Williams

c'est fin.

so i'll try to hold on/while you try to let go/you won't tell me it's done/but baby i'll know/baby i'll know...

"Given her obsession with the human psyche's remarkable complexity, the conclusion Mann reaches time and again is morose and simplistic:

All of us are too screwed up to make meaningful connections with other human beings."


true? i think so, yeah.

here comes a better version of me.

I spent the day doing many things. Grocery store (i bought cilantro!!). Laundry. Pharmacy (Hershey's Bar being the obvious highlight). Florist (flowers are pretty. and costly). Cozy's with Gilliane & Lily. Liquor Store. Academy Music (the thing i was gonna get for that person for that day was gone, dammit!). LOST (i was right, i was right, nyah nyah nyah). I've spent the last hour working on a mix for Gilliane's birthday... here's what made the cut, so if you're playing at home you can make your own Rickmix!

1. Brendan Benson: Cold Hands (Warm Heart) from The Alternative to Love
…this is from my choice for best album of 2005.You better recognize. Recently heard in a Ford commercial, oddly enough.
2. Aimee Mann: Nightmare Girl from Lost in Space: Special Edition
…it took no time for this song to grow on me, but I’ve only recently started to truly love it. I like it when I hear the line “I’m on a train to Brooklyn” when I’m on a train to Brooklyn. How meta.
3. Ash: Evil Eye from Meltdown
...sexy sexy tim. uh. can you say ROCK? and sexy.
4. Nellie McKay: Change the World from Get Away From Me
…what’s kind of cool is that if Lily or -e- had made this mix, they might have chosen two completely different songs and you could have come through with a totally different idea of what she sounds like. I guess I’m quirky, but I think that the memory of her singing “Change the World” and “Toto Dies” in concert is so strong that they were my immediate choices. i can't wait to hear her new album in January!!
5. Joan Armatrading: The Weakness in Me from Greatest Hits
…according to the top 25 played songs list on my itunes, this is the number one played song in my collection. possibly because this year i've listened to it on repeat play about a zillion times. music=therapy.
6. frente!: Explode from Marvin the Album
…one of my favorite albums of the mid-90s, it NEVER fails to make me happy.
7. The Magnetic Fields: The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side from 69 Love Songs
...Stephin Merritt is a bit of a genius.
8. Ryan Adams: New York, New York from Gold
...because we're like, THERE, man.
9. They Might Be Giants: Don’t Let’s Start from A User’s Guide to They Might Be Giants
…it was a tough call between this song and “The Little Birdhouse in Your Soul” but I don’t get around like you get around.
10. Talking Heads: Found a Job from Best of Talking Heads
…one of the songs by the Heads that I hadn’t heard at all before I got this collection & now possibly my favorite of theirs. did i mention what i want for my birthday? It's the Talking Heads box. there is no such thing as too much Talking Heads.
11. Dar Williams: As Cool as I Am from The Mortal City
...god i love this song. it really lifts me up- lyrically & musically.
12. Fiona Apple: Better Version of Me from Extraordinary Machine
…I can’t really listen to this album yet because it’s Fiona and i'm scared that cutting will be a certainty if i combine Fiona songs with the last year of my life, but this is one of two songs (along with "window") that I immediately connected to.
13. The Honeydogs: 10,000 Years from 10,000 Years
…Aimee Mann was talking about this album everywhere last year & it’s one of the most underrated discs ever, dammit. Um. But I don’t like the other stuff I've heard by them. Go figure, maybe i have a concept album fetish.
14. Travis: All I Want To Do Is Rock from Good Feeling
…before “why does it always rain on me?” they were quite happy, really.
15. Material Issue: Out Right Now from International Pop Overthrow
…okay this is an album that I cannot believe isn’t more appreciated. It’s from 1991, but to me it’s just as essential as like... NEVERMIND. YOU MUST LISTEN TO THIS ALBUM.
16. Kay Hanley: Satellite from Cherry Marmalade
…ex-Letters to Cleo singer’s solo album. I loved it.
17. Bic Runga: Close the Door, Put Out the Light
…a b-side that Lily found for me. My favorite singer at the moment. More than Aimee or Indigo Girls, even. Which is like… a BIG deal. New album next week from New Zealand!!
18. Bettye Lavette: How Am I Different from I’ve Got My Own Hell to Raise
…R&B singer who also covers Fiona Apple, Sinéad O’Connor on her album. I love her version of Aimee Mann's song, though.
19. Josh Joplin: Empire State from Jaywalker
…I can’t WAIT until I feel like I can hear this song and identify. Dammit, when will I be the luckiest boy in New York?!?
20. Nellie McKay: Toto Dies from Get Away From Me
...she made us sing along. i love her anyway, it's just the peer pressure i hate.
21. Blossom Dearie vs. Brazilian Girls: Just One of Those Things from Verve Remixed 3
…our original plan was to see Blossom play on my birthday- she plays weekly gigs at some place in the city & I’d love to see her- but she’s on hiatus till January!

i know it's late and i know i ought to go/ride in your car now, but please don't drop me home...

oh. hell. YEAH!!

sam, sam/you know where i am/come around/and talk awhile/i need your smile/you need a shoulder/oh, sam...

Sad news today, kids. Sam, the World's Ugliest Dog passed away last Friday. Here's a link to the Washington Post article about his passing: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/23/AR2005112301479.html?referrer=emailarticlepg

and his great picture. let's have a moment of silence, shall we?




quote: Olivia Newton-John, "Sam"

what you know/you don't want to know/you're with stupid now/so on with the show

1.What did you do last night?
work. then home to retarded e-mail drama bait, followed by Gilmore Girls.

2. Who was the last person you called?
Gilliane. to convince her that we should go to Cozy's!

3. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
my phone doesn't get text messages, alas.

4. When was the last time you thought about sex?
that would be Sunday, listening to someone's voice mail.

5. When was the last time you got hurt?
physically? when i was helping my landlady bring in her giant tv and managed to get my fingers between it and the sidewalk. scraped my knuckles. ouch.

6. When was the last time you cried?
last Sunday at about 1:00 A.M. on the F train to Coney Island after reading the big e-mail.

7. When was the last time you lost something?
well, my beard trimmer has been lost since i moved in. it's somewhere behind the heater, i think...

8. What are you listening to right now?
"Family Guy" is on television.

9. Why did your last relationship end?
probably because i am "an" dishonest, untrustworthy and straight up phony person. haven't you been paying attention?

10. What bothers you the most about the opposite sex?
their tendency to be making out with the men i find attractive.

11. Where was the best date you've ever been on?
a good date? um....

12. What was the first thing a guy/girl bought for you?
i think it was a button... i used to have a zillion of them. which is really interesting because the last thing a sweet guy bought for me, actually- the thing that meant so much to me... was a 'til tuesday button. in fact, he wasn't interested in me, but was so incredibly generous with these little gifts that would probably have mattered less to others, but were truly special to me... so i guess the question is where are the guys like Rick Blanco???

13. Do you date more than one person at once?
again. date? feh. but no. i'm a pretty old fashioned "one man guy" sorta guy.

14. What was the last movie you watched?
i can't remember- lately it's been Wonderfalls & Gilmore Girls episodes. I actually netflixed Bewitched, because I love Nicole Kidman no matter what- but haven't seen it yet.
...you know, of all these quizzes that i've answered & all the humiliating episodes i discuss on my blog, possibly the one thing i should be embarrassed about more than any of it is: "I actually netflixed Bewitched"

15. What was the last t.v show?
Family Guy- an episode I'd not seen.

16. What do you want for your b-day?
I wanted to see Blossom Dearie play, but she's on hiatus till January, so I guess NOT, dammit. I want a lot of things, mostly the Talking Heads box set.

17. What are you doing tonight?
I worked again. Hung out with Jeanne, then Lily & I watched some television. Next up: Shower/bed.

18. When will be the next vacation?
Vacation? Yeah, it's right around the corner from my next date. :P

19. How do you feel right now?
Tired. Anxious about the new job. Otherwise, feeling pretty damn good, believe it or not.

20. Who do you think will take this next?
Nobody... only like 2 people even READ this blog anymore.

i've been looking round the pantry for a box of sorries/i'm all run out, yeah i'm all run out

Recent posts have created concern for my well-being, so I will blog what I have told a well-wisher:

yeah. i'm actually feeling much better than the blog might have you believe. like, after this weekend's e-mails I'm more pissed off/annoyed than sad/heartbroken
i'm even a bit amused at the boyfriend's attempts to hurt me more.

so keep cool, you worrywarts. all is well and the thicker skin will keep me warm this winter. besides, i have something to look forward to that trumps this whole ridiculous situation- the new Bic Runga album. That's right, November 28th. Favorite singer. New album. "Birds" is coming. I am happy.

-Rick.
listening to: Bic Runga "Sorry" from DRIVE.

so i had to break the window/it just had to be/better that i break the window/than him, or her or me

So the reviews are in:

"This letter is for my own piece of mind."
so hard not to begin a reply with "I'm sure that you meant to say 'peace of mind' but whatever." that would make me mean and petty. which might not be a far stretch when you consider this:

"That alone makes you an dishonest, untrustworthy and straight up phony person to me."
oh yeah? straight up?

"I recognize bullshit when I see it. And I don't buy into pity parties."
clearly not a fan of "another bullshit day in suck city."

"And honestly, I've just grown really tired of this entire situation. This email marks the end of this. At least for me. No further email will be read or sent."
to which I say: thank fucking God!! Isn't that what I fucking wanted in the first place? Some peace and fucking quiet on the whole retarded, regretful situation. The first layer of Shellac has been brushed over my heart, kids, because rather than being sad, heartbroken Rick® I am back on the road to being bitchy fuck the world Rick® who doesn't have crushes on anyone because it all ends up sucking anyway. Fear not, I took the high road in my reply to this e-mail from Wysteria Lane... while laughing at the ridiculousness of it. This isn't even going to register on the scales, let it roll right off... because the point of the e-mail was certainly to stir up some more shit, but that's not gonna happen. It's over, I ended it (without hating, might i add?) and it can't hurt anymore than it already has, especially not because of any of the words you wrote.
Bite me, junior.
-Rick.
listening to Fiona Apple/Extraordinary Machine
reading: Ingrid Hill/Ursula, Under
watching: Gilmore Girls: Season Four

you don't wanna hurt me/but see how deep the bullet lies/...oh tell me we both matter, don't we?

and if i only could
i'd make a deal with God
and i'd get him to swap our places
i'd be running up that road
be running up that hill
with no problems
-Kate Bush, "Running up that hill"

(listening to: LEFT OF THE DIAL: DISPATCHES FROM THE 80s UNDERGROUND)
(reading: Ursula, Under... having just finished re-reading the So God Damn Beautiful Audrey Niffenegger novel THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE)
(watching: the wheels go round and round... with me under them.)

nobody wants to be happier more than me/nobody wants to be happier more than i do/but happiness/i must confess/i don't have

i keep making it worse. i didn't know i could fuck things up more after telling him that we should end the friendship but i apparently am. i'm so unhappy. i don't know what to even say to anybody, anyone who even asks a simple question like 'hi, how are you?' i don't understand why pepole like matt and lily continue to have all this faith in me when i feel like all i ever do is fuck things up. i even feel like i almost fucked up my friendship with Matty. i can't keep losing people. it would be one thing if i had some kind of good luck to think about and speculate that it will return but i feel like nothing's going right and nothing has ever gone right so what makes me think there could be a bright day around the corner. that's why i feel like writing off the hopes of any sort of brightside. even the things i thought were good that had come out of this are starting to seem like they're not. i moved to new york, yaay- but i can't afford it and it's making me miserable because i feel deep down that i'm going to end up moving back home and feeling even worse. i lost all this weight- but now people are starting to worry and i'm like maybe something's really wrong with me- what made me lose the weight anyway? stress, heartache and pain... and i freak out because i'm so tired and i don't feel well, but i know it's also because of all this stress, the added stress of the last few weeks, having to put an end to a friendship i treasured with this guy i mysteriously fell for because it was making him unhappy and uncomfortable, worried that he thinks it was easy to do, wondering if it affects him at all. then pissing him off because i'm trying to joke about it even though it hurts and i feel like i'm giving up, giving up too easily. but i fucking tried to salvage it, from February on and it's leaving me raw and vulnerable and emotionally exhausted. but it's all too much at once and i'm so sick of myself and tired of constantly living thisclose to tears, to sobs, to just wanting to sit in a corner and shut you all out. i hate being this way, hate not knowing what to do about it, hate that it even fucking matters- wonder why it even started to. i realize this can't be all over him- i hardly even know him really. we're hardly even friends, were we ever actually friends or just friends of a friend anyway? no- it's not all over him, it's just the situation. 32 years of no one ever looking back at me the way i look at them. why believe it will change, that the situation will improve and a little luck will blow my way when it never has? again, why does it matter so much? why waste so much time looking for- what? someone to spend time with? say goodnight to? why do i sometimes think that this whole experience would be easier if i had someone to come home to? it's not sex, recent experience has reminded me that i'm not terribly interested in sex. so- why. does. it. matter. so. much? and most importantly can someone tell me how to make it stop mattering? because that would be so helpful.

oh what a feeling/when you're dancing on the ceiling

so continuing the strange new trend of dreams about book events- I dreamt last night that Dave and I went to a Nicole Richie book signing. And after she signed Dave's MULTIPLE COPIES of her novel, he ripped into her about what a stupid useless ho she was. I felt really bad and when it was my turn to get my book signed, shook her hand & told her that I really admired her. Awesome.

and now for a Q.

How old do you wish you were?
22 was really good. 22 didn't suck as much.

Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was in my room watching SCREAM on dvd when my mom called to tell me what happened.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
kick them, curse them... and then give them more of it.

Do you consider yourself kind?
yes. too damn kind. although i've been told that i'm actually not a very nice person.

When you see a homeless person on the side of the road, what do you think?
"that could be me in a month."

If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
if i HAD to? like if the tattoo police held me down? um. it would be the sanskrit character for "Kylie." nah. I truly can't think of anything that I'd want permanently inked on my skin. maybe something to do with music.

If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
this is a tough call- spanish or japanese, so that i could watch some of my favorite movies without subtitles. Go Almódovar & Kurosawa!!

Do you know your neighbors?
no. oh wait! Mordecai!

What do you consider a vacation?
more than a week away from work.

Do you follow your horoscope?
no. and i'll make fun of you for following yours.

Would you move for the person you loved?
um. to get away from him...

Are you touchy feely?
not unless it's with someone i've known for a while. i don't like to make people feel uncomfortable ;)

Do you believe that opposites attract?
sure.

Dream job?
writing.

Dream car?
Keanu Reeves' Norton bike.

Favorite channel?
BBC America

Favorite place to go on weekends?
Central Park!!

Showers or Baths?
showers

Do you paint your nails?
nope. i'm not that glam.

What do you like the most about yourself?
that i look like 10 years younger than i am? wait, is that really shallow?

What do you like the least?
pretty much everything else.

Do you trust people easily?
not so much, no.

Do you live alone?
no i have 3 roommates.

What truly frightens you?
random acts of violence

What are your phobias?
flying. driving. heights.

Do you want kids?
no. but apparently i really want a puppy.

Do you keep a handwritten journal?
sort of. random pages from time to time.

Where would you rather be right now?
1994. Saturday night. Family's out of town. I've ordered from Domino's. I've got wine coolers. I'm doing a puzzle. I'm listening to new cds- frente! Juliana Hatfield. Melissa Ferrick. things were much easier then and i was a lot happier.

Who would you like to be more honest with?
the one person i'm never 100% honest with would be my dad.

Who makes you feel guilty?
me. "it's me who is my enemy/me who beats me up/me who makes the monsters..."

Are you a heavy or light sleeper?
heavy. unless there's someone drilling and hammering in the room RIGHT OVER MY FUCKING BEDROOM AT 9:00 AM ON THE WEEKEND!!!!

Are you a good dancer?
no. i am a legendary bad dancer.

Are you paranoid?
no. yes. what have you heard??

Are you impatient?
i actually think i have the patience of a saint- it takes a lot for me to become impatient.

Who can you relate to?
not a lot of people. oh, and Nicole Richie.

Would you ever have plastic surgery?
no. wait, is a tummy tuck plastic surgery? then... ok.

Would you ever break the law?
no. i'm embarassingly goody goody.

Do you believe in the afterlife?
yes. there's a great bar there where you can go see Ella & Louis play anytime you want. i can't fucking wait!

i'm barely getting through tomorrow, but still i won't let sorrow bring me way down

"I'm living under water. Everything seems slow and far away. I know there's a world up there, a sunlit quick world where time runs like dry sand through an hourglass, but down here, where I am, air and sound and time and feeling are thick and dense."
-Audrey Niffenegger, THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE

and of course the inevitable quizlet:
[ ] I'm afraid of silence.

[X] I am really ticklish.

[ ] I'm afraid of the dark.

[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.

[X ] I am homosexual.

[ ] I believe in true love.

[ ] I've run away from home.

[X] I listen to political music.

[X] I collect comic books.

[X] I shut others out when I'm sad.

[ ] I involve others when I'm sad.

[X] I've stayed out all night.

[X] I open up to others easily.

[ ] I watch the news.

[X] I own over 5 rap CDs.

[X-well, some of them...] I love Disney movies.

[ ] I am a sucker for green eyes.

[X ] I don't kill bugs.

[X-well, once every minute] I curse once in a awhile.

[ ] I have an x in my screen name.

[ ] I've slipped and fell in public.

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[ ] I love Spam...

[ ] I bake well.

[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.

[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.

[X] I have a job.

[ ] Talked on a phone for 5+ hours.

[ ] I love Dr. Phil

[ ] I like someone.

[x unfuckingfortunately] I Love someone

[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.

[X] I am self-conscious.

[X] I love to laugh.

[X] I have tried alcohol.

[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.

[ ] I have tried a cigarette.

[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.

[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies.

[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[ ] I've been out of this country.

[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.

[X] I love chocolate.

[ ] I bite my nails.

[X] I am not comfortable with being me.

[ ] I play computer games when I'm bored.

[X] Gotten lost in the city.

[X] Thought of suicide before.

[ ] Seen a shooting star

[ ] Had a serious surgery.

[ ] Gone out in public in your pajamas.

[X] Have kissed a stranger.

[X] Hugged a stranger.

[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of the same sex.

[ ] Been in a fist fight.

[ ] Been arrested.

[X]Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.

[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.

[ ] Made out in an elevator.

[ ] Made out in a park.

[X] Swore at your parents.

[X ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose

[ ] Been skydiving.

[ ]Been bungee jumping.

[X] Gotten stiches.

[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[ ] Bitten someone.

[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.

[X] Gotten the chicken pox.

[ ] Crashed into a car

[ ] been to Japan.

[X] Ridden in a taxi.

[ ] Shoplifted.

[ ] Been fired.

[XXXX] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.

[ ] Stole something from your job.

[ ] Gone on a blind date.

[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[ ] Been to Europe.

[ ] Slept with a co-worker.

[ ] Been married.

[ ] Gotten divorced.

[ ] Saw someone/something dying.

[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.

[ ] Been to Canada.

[X] been on a plane.

[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[ ] Thrown up in a bar.

[ ] Eaten sushi.

[ ] Been snowboarding.

[X-water skiing] Been skiing.

[ ] Been ice skating

[X]Cried in public

[ ] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.

[X] liked someone even though you knew you shouldnt have.

[X] Thought of someone almost 24/7

[X] loved some one and hated them at the same time.

[X] Hated the world.



listening to: Dolly Parton, "Hard Candy Christmas"
watching: Wonder Showzen!!

last night i had the strangest dream/i sailed away to china/in a little rowboat to find ya/you said you had to get your laundry clean

Weird dream last night. There was a big book event- at my house. AND it was on the same day that we were supposed to be having a birthday party (possibly for me) so I was all concerned that the book people wouldn't leave in time for the party to begin. However, at some point in all this, I was sitting at a picnic table eating fried chicken next to Neil Gaiman and completely hogging the conversation (as i tend to do) until he just stood up and left.
very odd.

Went to Central Park on Sunday and it was incredibly beautiful, just what I needed. My ipod, the Bethesda Fountain & The Time Traveler's Wife=good therapy. Much better than riding the F Train to nowhere at 1:00 Sunday morning in tears. Fuck it. But the Park really made me go from totally hating myself/life/the whole fucking world to remembering that I'm totally falling in love with this city. Please God let me find a way to afford to stay.

Lily, Gilliane & I went to Crash Test last night to see Todd Barry. I actually found one of the other acts to be much funnier- they did a whole bit about Pocahontas & John Smith that was pee-your-pantsworthy. Otherwise it was just ehhh. Wish today was Wednesday, because I kinda feel like crap and the thought of going in to work feeling this way is not very appealing... but I know that we're already going to be short by two and would feel worse if I screwed them over more. Although, I really must stop worrying so much about others. And fuck, I really want to stay in my bedroom with the Gilmore Girls and some chocolate chip mint ice cream.

Funniest moment in the second worst weekend of 2005:
ME: (blah blah blah) or do I make you feel uncomfortable?
LILY: ... too soon.

ok that's it. btw- my review for Audrey Niffenegger's new book, Three Incestuous Sisters is up on the Pictures and Frames site- that's http://www.picturesandframesmagazine.com. There's also a lovely panel discussion about the horror that is CATWOMAN in the dvd reviews. So go, check it out. ciao.

well i guess it takes a while for someone to really disappear

today my heart is big and sore
it's trying to push right through my skin
i won't see you anymore
i guess that's finally sinking in
'cos you can't make somebody see
with the simple words you say
all their beauty from within
sometimes they just look away
-Patty Griffin, "Goodbye" from FLAMING RED

You know the way people look at you as if it's the last time? I've started collecting these looks.

"Some people, me included, believe that punk is just the most recent manifestation of this, this spirit, this feeling, you know, that things aren't right and
that in fac things are so wrong that the only thing we can do is to say Fuck It, over and over again, really loud, until someone stops us."
-Audrey Niffenegger, THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE

what it comes down to/honey, what could take your place?/not a song/not a thousand strong

So I was going to reply to Matt's comment with a comment, but it seems like a good way to end this particular blog thread. maybe blogs shouldn't be so honest or personal. maybe writing it all in a journal would be best. honestly, how many of you can sit through another fucking ramble about the same fucking thing, anyway? Especially when you're one of the unfortunate few who have spent hours listening to me talk about it all, too. So, here goes:

yeah... i love that you think that Miami is a city filled with wonderful gay men.

my head says you have a point: let go, move on. my stupid heart, however... The day that my head & my heart are in unison will be fucking monumental. it is what it is, i wish you could just accept that this is the way it's going to be until something or someone incredible happens to change it. i can't fix it, change it or run away from it. i have tried doing all three of those things & although it hid for a while and fooled me into thinking i was all good, it came back around to kick me in the ass. believe me when i tell you that no one knows as well as i do how useless and pointless it all is. but clearly i need to stop talking about it with you guys and that's something i'm going to work on. seems like the best plan. so commence radio silence.

rick
quote: tanya donelly/"every devil" from Whiskey Tango Ghosts, the best album of 2004. that none of you heard.

i wanna fall into you/and i wanna be everything you want me to/but i'm not sure i know how/i lose faith & i lose ground

So, walking down the street in Chelsea today, wearing my new Rufus mug shot tee and holding the new Cyndi Lauper cd in my hand, I just thought: This is the gayest moment ever.

Why, you might ask, did I go to Chelsea? Besides to get the new Cyndi album (I'm depressed, it was on sale)- I went to pick up some new pants for work. See, with my happy happy weight loss, my pants have started to basically fall off my ass. Even with my belt, the situation was rather pathetic. So, new pants.

The pants I have now are all a 38 waist. The pants I had to buy today? 34.
That's four pant sizes, kids!! Granted, I have only heartbreak, sorrow and pain to thank for it, but still? yaay!

-rick

she says 'everywhere i go/damn there i am'/and i just wanna walk away

in a city of endless possibilities, why does my heart seem to be irreversibly set on one giant impossibility?

crumb by crumb in this big black forest

So perception is a funny thing. Apparently this is a lesson for me to learn. After posting about the Rufus weekend, one of my friends told me that it seemed like I wanted to be alone, that this is why they sat across from me, to sort of give me my own space. It brings me back to one of the lessons that I learned this week- about how you perceive a situation and what the reality of it is... My tendency to jump to conclusions needs to be worked on. And to be honest, I probably was giving off that "i vant to be alone" vibe because by then The Situation had completely come back to kick me in the ass and I just needed to eat a thousand Hershey's bars in the dark bus. (and now my screensaver kicked in and with the first picture, God Said "Ha" the way he did the other day by playing that song on the train... good one, God.)
This shit must seem so random & abstract to anyone reading it who's not aware of what will from now on be referred to as The Situation. Weird. With any luck I can push it all back to the corner of my mind again and we can blog about other things, happier things like... um. Puppies and Daisies.
But at the moment? I wish I was in my non-Rosemary's Baby yellow room back home in Miami with my Mom & my brother nearby. Eating chili and watching Jeopardy. Not thinking anymore about useless desires, mixed signals, hurt feelings, unpaid bills or my stupid ever-broken heart.