maybe i'm just damaged goods/maybe you're a babe in the woods/& me i'm just a little lost lamb/but you love me where ever i am

today:
slept late after playing with my #1 toy into the wee hours of the morning. (my ipod you dirty bastards)
ate pizza with mom & dave.
watched some VICAR OF DIBLEY (i *heart* Dawn French)
went to work.
now, there's this guy who comes in once in a while, an admirer. although the first time he was there he pulled this TOTALLY jr. high kind of "my roommate likes you" thing. the next time it was like, "you should come watch Queer as Folk with us sometime, do you play pool?" tonight he was looking for some cds & i was like, right let me show you. he says "show me, show me..." (he also touched my arm. i'm not so touchy feely with customers, ok?) then when i tell him he can try them out:
Him: "i can sample any of these?"
Me: "You can can sample anything you want"
Him: (suggestively) "Oh, I can, can I?"
Me: "Anything that scans" (scamper away)
the thing is that i'm not interested... honestly at this point in time, who knows if i'd be interested if he were Peter Krause's twin brother. i mean seriously, i'm starting to believe that i'm good alone... but, you know- he's a big guy (and hopefully we have all established that i am NOT as recently mistaken for, a "chaser top"). a bit with the dramatic streak... whatever, he's just not my type at all. but every time he comes in, i feel like such an asshole. because who the fuck am i to be turning anyone down? how many times have i thought -i'd have a chance with this person if it wasn't for my weight/cross-eyed freakness/girly voice/palm sweat/whatever else i can't change without some sort of nip/tuck episode. what a fucking hypocrite i am.
got home.
leftover pizza/entertainment weekly.
sleep now. and hope that i don't have The Dream again. Yes, The Dream, capitalized. It makes me think of Kim Basinger in THE FINAL ANALYSIS with Richard Gere. that fucking dream. I dreamt that this guy at my work (Adorable Anthony- he's the café manager. Better looking than any human being has the right to be. A law student, i *think*. Always polite. Dimples- a really lovely smile. A seemingly nice guy, but our interaction has been minimal. Straight. I'm pretty sure, I mean.) Anyway, Anthony was asking me if I had any pets- like he was trying to explain something to me, something that only a pet owner could understand. But then when I told him I didn't he was very disappointed. I told him I used to have a rabbit and he thought this was hysterical, because I was very much like a rabbit. It was one of those dreams you instantly forget, but start to recall when you see the person who was co-starring with you. He seemed kind of down tonight, the dimples went away. I don't know him, really, so couldn't ask if he was alright, but I felt very much like, awww... Anthony's blue. Perhaps it's because he loves me from afar, but can't think of the right way to tell me. Most likely not.

(miss lily. wanted to call tonight, but feel like i am smothering.)

subject line: "The Alternative to Love" by Brendan Benson from
ipod: Heather Nova "when somebody turns you on"-Blossom Dearie "it amazes me"-Indigo Girls "joking"-Ute Lemper "but one day..."