nobody wants to be happier more than me/nobody wants to be happier more than i do/but happiness/i must confess/i don't have

i keep making it worse. i didn't know i could fuck things up more after telling him that we should end the friendship but i apparently am. i'm so unhappy. i don't know what to even say to anybody, anyone who even asks a simple question like 'hi, how are you?' i don't understand why pepole like matt and lily continue to have all this faith in me when i feel like all i ever do is fuck things up. i even feel like i almost fucked up my friendship with Matty. i can't keep losing people. it would be one thing if i had some kind of good luck to think about and speculate that it will return but i feel like nothing's going right and nothing has ever gone right so what makes me think there could be a bright day around the corner. that's why i feel like writing off the hopes of any sort of brightside. even the things i thought were good that had come out of this are starting to seem like they're not. i moved to new york, yaay- but i can't afford it and it's making me miserable because i feel deep down that i'm going to end up moving back home and feeling even worse. i lost all this weight- but now people are starting to worry and i'm like maybe something's really wrong with me- what made me lose the weight anyway? stress, heartache and pain... and i freak out because i'm so tired and i don't feel well, but i know it's also because of all this stress, the added stress of the last few weeks, having to put an end to a friendship i treasured with this guy i mysteriously fell for because it was making him unhappy and uncomfortable, worried that he thinks it was easy to do, wondering if it affects him at all. then pissing him off because i'm trying to joke about it even though it hurts and i feel like i'm giving up, giving up too easily. but i fucking tried to salvage it, from February on and it's leaving me raw and vulnerable and emotionally exhausted. but it's all too much at once and i'm so sick of myself and tired of constantly living thisclose to tears, to sobs, to just wanting to sit in a corner and shut you all out. i hate being this way, hate not knowing what to do about it, hate that it even fucking matters- wonder why it even started to. i realize this can't be all over him- i hardly even know him really. we're hardly even friends, were we ever actually friends or just friends of a friend anyway? no- it's not all over him, it's just the situation. 32 years of no one ever looking back at me the way i look at them. why believe it will change, that the situation will improve and a little luck will blow my way when it never has? again, why does it matter so much? why waste so much time looking for- what? someone to spend time with? say goodnight to? why do i sometimes think that this whole experience would be easier if i had someone to come home to? it's not sex, recent experience has reminded me that i'm not terribly interested in sex. so- why. does. it. matter. so. much? and most importantly can someone tell me how to make it stop mattering? because that would be so helpful.