a little hope goes up in smoke just how it goes goes without saying

blah. bad mood. sudden & not very welcome bad mood. back in freaking out about move mode. what am i thinking about? how do i think i can afford this shit? granted it doesn't help that there are those who don't hide the fact that they are certain i'll be back in a span of months. or that when i asked my manager today if he needed anything more from me regarding the transfer he was like- oh, just remind me. and then started writing on a post-it note. and then asked me which store i wanted to move to. i stood there confused because i had given him a note a week & a half ago with about 8 possible stores on it, well-written with all my selling points, researched (i even listed the store numbers and what region & district they were in). I honestly wanted to cry. "Union Square," I said. Then told him that another manager had the note, because one of the managers had seen it & told me it was well put together, very professional. yeah, for all the good that does. maybe it's just the mood i'm in, seeing disaster as imminent.

so i'm gonna download the RENT trailer dial-up be damned. and yeah, the bits i've seen so far have made me want to cry because it meant so much to me back in the day- and wow, where did i see it? NYC. the one weekend i've ever spent there. i really want to make this work, i really hope i will make it work. if i need to get another job i hope i'm not the lazy motherfucker i am. i have such big ideas for this life i'll have up there... what makes me think i'll be this person, though? why would i go spend time in Central Park when all i ever want to do here is stay in my room & watch dvds? what makes me think that i'll meet amazing new people when there are only two people i ever see outside of work that aren't related to me. is it that i don't give people enough of a chance? am i so anti-social? or is it purely by choice? because truth is i don't really wanna hang out. i say no when i get asked out to the parties. when i'm at a party all i think of is "when do i get to leave?" so what's going to stop me from sitting in the apartment watching movies all the time?

fuck this pondering shit. i meant to sign on and bitch about rosie o'donnell talking about the Brooke Shields/Tom Cruise bullshit and Paris Hilton's vow to *gasp!* read the newspaper! and Brett Ratner (another hack from the Michael Bay school of filmmaking who happened to get lucky with RED DRAGON) coming up with, what... a mutant hooker for X-MEN 3.

and why does the apartment in the RENT trailer look so fucking nice?? Columbus may be the next rant's target. argh. i'm going to finish reading SUMMERLAND since books don't seem to suck as much as music & Hollywood have been as of late... Chabon is the bomb.