My food is problematic.

i love Christian Bale, but i hate Christian Bale. he lost 63 pounds for THE MACHINIST. i can't lose 30 fucking pounds. Granted, my method isn't "stop eating. smoke." but FUCK!! after losing like 10 pounds this spring, feeling glad about being just under 200 lbs for the first time in like, years, i'm back to feeling gross & bloated. and yeah, in a perfect world this wouldn't matter, but newsflash kids: this is far from a perfect world. in fact, recent events considering, i don't really think it's a very good world at all anymore. but as usual, back to me. it's nice and fine to say "you'll find someone who will love you for who you are inside"... riiiight. 31 years have proven that this is one of the big lies that Hollywood and Fairy Tales like to fool us with. only as paula cole says (& lily quotes) "It's me who is my enemy, me who beats me up". because even when i'm talking with someone at work & they touch me, particularly my stomach, i immediately flinch. like it's the blob & if you get too close, you'll be sucked in. I mean, I know that I'm not Fat Bastard, but I feel so self-conscious about it. So it's back to the daily situps for me. no matter how tired I am, whether or not I closed the night before. i will not tell myself that masturbation is exercise enough. i will drink more water and less soda- especially at work. I WILL AVOID THE DANGERS OF THE SNACK MACHINE AT ALL TIMES!! I will eat more peanut butter. but when it comes to pizza? you better stay back & watch out. i will never give up pizza!!

stereo: Björk/Medúlla
subject: Firefly (go on... click it!)